MOTHERS-IN-LAW AND DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW
Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation
An Interview with the Author, Susan Shapiro Barash
Q: What prompted you to write this book? How is your relationship with your mother-in-law? How will you treat your children’s wives?
I wrote this book as a guide for the millions of women who are mothers-in-law or daughters-in-law. I am a fortunate daughter-in-law since my mother-in-law and I get along splendidly. But I will also be a future mother-in-law and realize how fraught with issues these relationships can be. However, I wanted to explore both the negatives and the positives so readers could get a well-rounded view. This book offers insight into the lives of hundreds of mothers-in-law ad daughters-in-law and provides advice for all married women and men.
Q: We always see on television and in movies the stereotypical of “the dreaded in-laws”. How often does it occur that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law actually get along?
There are those famous mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in films, television and those we have observed through the media, often depicted as being at odds with one another. The late Princess Diana and Queen Elizabeth are an example of in-laws who did not see eye to eye. Nor did Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Rose Kennedy share a similar style. It is surprising, however, how many women in the roles of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do find a separate peace or a common ground with each other. My research indicated that over time, the two women, even if they were contentious at the outset, find a way to get along. This may be precipitated by a common loss, such as the death of a family member, or by a common joy, such as the birth of a grandchild.
Q: What advice can you offer to newlywed wives so that they can get along with their mothers-in-law?
Women who have just become daughters-in-law should tread lightly with their mothers-in-law. These relationships do not develop overnight. Even n the most positive of circumstances, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law need time to become accustomed to each other’s style and to acclimate. If a son is very attached to his mother, the new wife/daughter-in-law should be diplomatic in how she creates a space for herself and puts herself in the number one spot. Being contentious toward one’s mother-in-law never helps a marriage because the husband/son becomes defensive and put in an uncomfortable position. A mother-in-law who is critical of her new daughter-in-law also is not helping the marriage, but hindering it.
Q: Is this book aimed towards newlyweds or would those in seasoned marriages also want to read this? Who would benefit from your advice?
This book is not aimed only at new daughters-in-law/wives, but is constructed to inform all women, younger and older, who fill the role of mother-in-law and/or daughter-in-law. There are many situations where a mother-in-law is also a daughter-in-law herself. Anyone who is a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law will benefit from the advice and information offered in this book. And it is soothing to know that one is not alone in this situation. After all, in leafing through these pages, it is inevitable that a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law will recognize a situation similar to her own.
Q: What did you find are the most common misgivings about mothers-in-law? Daughters-in-law?
Mothers-in-law often feel their daughters-in-law are not good enough wives for their sons, do not enhance their sons’ lives enough and do no make it easy on their sons. Daughters-in-law most often complain that their mothers-in-law are too opinionated and too involved with the husband/son. The value system that the daughter-in-law has may not mesh with her mother-in-law’s and this is another problem. When there are grandchildren involved, it becomes more complicated because the two women share a deep connection to the children, but might view childrearing in different lights.
Q: How do these issues change when there are children involved? When the man is a widower? When the man is divorced?
Ultimately, the birth of grandchildren does alter the relationship between the two women. The mother-in-law might soften her approach because it expedites her opportunity to build a relationship with her grandchildren. The daughter-in-law may view her mother-in-law as an asset once she has children. The two women may bond over this shared attachment to the children.
When a daughter-in-law has been married before and so had her husband, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be more complex. The daughter-in-law might prefer her former mother-n-law and the mother-in-law might prefer her former daughter-in-law. Or ad mother-in-law or daughter-in-law might have had a negative experience the first time around with in-laws and will be determined to make it work the second time around. Of course, as we know from my book, SECOND WIVES: The Pitfalls and Rewards of Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men, to be a second wife/second daughter-in-law to a man who is widowed is not the same as assuming those roles with a divorce man. The scenario is completely different, and a deceased first wife/first daughter-in-law may be immortalized while the first wife/daughter-in-law of divorce may be quite visible and perhaps contentious.
Q: Did you find that race or religion made a serious impact on the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law?
Race and religion do have a serous impact on the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. While interfaith and interracial marriages are on the rise, the mothers-in-law most often holds onto the conviction that her son should marry within his own race and/or religion. A mother-in-law who has a deep religious faith will not be very yielding while on the other hand, we are in the 21st century and the challenge is to practice tolerance and acceptance.
Q: What is your advice to the husband who feels torn between the two women he loves? Is it best for him to stand back or be a moderator?
My advice to the husband, who is always a part of the triangle of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law and husband/son, is that he defend his wife and try to show his mother how to proceed. If he is firm in his commitment to his wife, who represents his family or procreation versus his mother, and represents his family of origin, he is making the right choice. A man who bows to his mother and does not protect his wife in difficult situations and does not put her first in the best of situations, has not yet shifted his priorities from being a son to being a husband.
Q: What advice do you have for women who must live with their mothers-in-law or whose husbands are “mama’s boys”?
If th son is a “mama’s boy”, the wife/daughter-in-law has her work cut out for her. If the marriage is strong anf she is patient and political in her approach, she will get her way. But a son who is a “mama’s boy” often does not recognize that he is and might reject his wife’s comments and designs. It is important, as always, that the marriage be the first priority and have a life of its own and the mother-in-law relegate herself to a secondary position so the marriage can succeed.